The Hands You Hold, The Love You Own
by spheeris1
Summary: Xena/Gabrielle :: Set in the entire series :: Soulmates, lovers, friends... Using the written word to capture moments in love.
1. note from the author

So, I had this idea to compile all my short pieces of fanfiction and put them up here at .

Disclaimers – I do not own Xena or Gabrielle. I do own these stories. They are not in any chronological order and they are not telling a unified story.

Each fic is a stand-alone fic. Each fic, more than likely, refers to some scene from the television show itself.

I will do my best to give any background information regarding each fic, if at all possible. If you really want to know, it is best to reach me at my email address.

Warnings – Lots of love and lust and such between women. If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen…

All this being said, I am still writing _'Always' _. Be patient. ;-)

Enjoy!

Spheeris1


	2. two

**Anticipation**

Admittedly, Xena is caught up at first. _I mean, I love fishing... but, somewhere in the corner of my sane mind, I know I do not like fishing this much.  
And Gabrielle is, admittedly, beautiful in many ways... She is normally not this concerned with her attributes. And Joxer is... well, okay, I do kind of think of him like this mostly. Even for him, this behavior is odd._

I should be thinking about how to fix this, how to get all of us back to normal...

But, Xena finds a stronger distraction than even the swirling slimy skin underneath the murky waters.  
She gets Gabrielle back to the surface, the harsh grains of sand a mere irritation compared to the thought of this blonde-haired companion possibly drowning.

Past the hard exterior others see, past the guilt and the hard times - every wall built by hurt and by sadness - Gabrielle is stepping over them like a root in the ground. _Look at her now, escaping death once more and already talking... What would I do if that voice were ever silenced? If those eyes were not shining back at me in my darkest hour?_

Xena registers where this one-way conversation is going. And, funnily enough, it is causing the slightest warmth in the warrior princess. A feeling that she rarely allows herself to have, one of hidden joy and anticipation...

"..and Xena, I finally realized there can only be one person for me in my life..."

_For the first time, I am ready. I can accept what is coming. I believe in this. I believe in her._

"...Me!"

That's when Xena realizes how devious feelings can be. And comical. The sand feels decidedly rough now and Xena gets up, ignoring Gabrielle's continued comments. But the warrior princess does not fully give up her silent grin... _Good things come to those who wait, right?_


	3. three

**Innuendo**

Gabrielle had to pause just a moment, to let Xena's words sink in. Seizing the day is a good thing, she decides slowly. You get the chance to greet each day with a newness and a sense of happiness.  
_I mean, it wouldn't be fun to keep reliving a day over and over and over..._

In fact, she is a little surprised at her warrior friend. At her enthusiasm, at her philosophy sounding so... pleasant... And, well, a little surprised at Xena's hands...

_Are those... turnips?_

"Xena, are you trying to tell me something?"  
"Hmmm? What do you mean, Gabrielle?"  
"Oh, nothing. Just... you are seizing something and it's rather close...to, uh...my..."

Xena looks down and then lets the vegetables drop to the dusty ground.

"Gabrielle. Not **everything** is about innuendo."

But Gabrielle notices the slight smirk playing about Xena's lips as she pulls away.

_Yeaaaah... Right, Warrior Princess._


	4. four

**Light To Dark**

_Your path is not my path, not today... Perhaps not ever. I've seen the future. I've seen you taken from me, from this world... I have to do this alone._

Xena wonders if this is truly a cruel trick of the Fates.  
Losing Gabrielle and the warmth the woman creates in order to appease a long-suffering guilt... To lose light in order to make up for that which was stolen long ago...

She could fight it. She could claim good deeds.  
But it makes no matter. Prices must be paid. Even if that poor red-haired girl came back to life and offered forgiveness, Xena doubts she would accept it.

_This way, you are safe. This way, the demons sleep tonight. This way... this way is my way, Gabrielle. And you cannot walk it with me._

Xena reaches out, one last time, aching for her own fingers to find the softness of Gabrielle's cheek. She hopes to imprint green eyes, open lips and halo-framed face to memory.  
Before the ship takes the warrior princess away.  
From living to surviving.  
From freedom to captivity.  
From light to dark.


	5. five

**Obsession**

On the surface, it is all good. And at the bottom of it, it is all good.  
But in the moments in-between, that is where the lines get blurry.  
And good is not good enough.  
And wanting to love someone... and being in love... are two different things. Two different goals.

_I want her to see it. Like I do._

Gabrielle will not admit it, not like this.  
Hunting a living and breathing part of the wilderness, cutting the fat away and eviscerating the organs, collecting the blood... It is not for **a** child, it is for **Xena's** child.

_I want her to see me. Like I want her to._

Gabrielle will not whisper it, not right now.  
Begging for a chance, aching to protect the protector for once, Gabrielle runs through the forest and stalks and kills... It is not for **anyone** else, it is for **Xena**.

_I want her. Like I always do._

With stench of death about her, all over her skin and her hair, slipping into her eyes...  
Gabrielle doesn't do this for experience, for power or for glory.  
She does it for Xena.  
The goals meet up, in the end, like Gabrielle knew they would.  
Loving someone and being in love with someone...

_Like I could ever help it..._


	6. six

**Out In the Open**

Everyone likes to think that when you feel something, you can just... feel it.  
The sensation rolls over you and you voice it, let the words tumble out and hit the floor. Hopefully, someone picks them up and reads them. Then they take them in and open their arms to you.

You are loved.

Gabrielle knows about love.  
How it sounds in the scuff of boots along dirt and wood, how it smells with the scent of leather and blood, how it looks sleeping by her side...

Gabrielle knows about this swirling finality in her gut, mixing with tears and poison and longing. She has felt it before, albeit a much more tepid version than the emotions now.  
That is when her mind clamps down. Chastises for dishonoring the death of a husband...

She knows about it as fingers reach out and caress raven hair, as her last thoughts are of this woman warrior and of a love neither have ever spoken of.  
They speak in desperation and never in calm. They cling when time is short and never when days are long.

Gabrielle knows about regret.  
As every moment plays out again, rushing in her mind and never to see the morning... All the times she wanted to close that gap and brush those lips with her own. All the times she wanted to pull Xena closer.  
All the times when Gabrielle ached for more and just let it go.

One moment.  
Out in the open.  
Gabrielle knows this is her last chance.


	7. seven

**Promises**

Xena is not an easy one to catch.  
Just when your hand finds purchase upon her, that is when she slips away again.  
Like she was never there. The ground untouched, the silence oh so deafening.

Gabrielle used to worship her. But that faded slowly, replaced by something deeper and harder to explain. A tangle of emotions, bound to the edges of Xena's body, and Gabrielle realizes all too late that she is in love.

The bard writes it. The warrior fights it. Where Xena ends, Gabrielle begins.  
Seamless synchronicity, with feather-light touches and rushed kisses.  
They make promises. And they are limitless.

_Even in death..._

Xena is not an easy one to catch.  
Just when you think you've got her, she is gone again.  
And you are left with ashes. And memories. And weapons, of metal and of pain.

_...I will never leave you..._

Xena makes a promise with her mouth.  
And Gabrielle believes it with her heart.  
They say 'forever'.


	8. eight

**Reach Across Everything**

_This world, that world... nothing ever stays the same and nothing ever changes..._

Pulling up from the depths of her heart, torn from her side and drifting - love.  
Once or twice, Xena let that wild horse run free.  
Her fingers tangled in that mane, her face opening like the sun in the sky - love.  
Now, with only memories of who she used to be and who she wants to be standing in the way, Xena reaches out, reaches in, reaches across everything...

Love. Unending and forgiving, soaking her skin with rainwater and bringing her home again, home to a silent gaze and a soft smile, to Gabrielle.

_That world, this world... all things change and all things stay the same..._

A begging breath, tears cutting a path along her cheek and seeking - love.  
Gabrielle has been here before, tugging this ship to shore.  
Grip tight and feet secure in ever-shifting sand, holding on - love.  
Now, with only remembrance of who she used to be and who she wants to be standing in the way, Gabrielle reaches out, reaches in, reaches across everything...

Love. Limitless and true, wrapping her soul up and bringing her home again, home to a sure gaze and a wondrous smile, to Xena.


	9. nine

**See You Through**

Xena is familiar with loss.

When her brother passed away, so violent and so unexpected, more than his body faded away. Xena's very soul retreated from the living world. Then, all her contact with others shattered.  
No more mother, no more family, no more friends.

Just hollow victories and death.

_So far gone... I can't go back now._

Xena knows the feeling of despair, of watching all your love just disappear.  
A flick of the wrist or the hateful words... or the perfect aim of an arrow.  
Each one can take away the light in your heart.

_I can't let you go... You can't leave me._

Xena understands devastation.  
War causes it, blood causes it, fire causes it.  
Scars can heal on the skin, but others go past that surface and wound the core of someone.  
Xena has always been the walking dead - struggling to go day to day.  
Until...

_Don't you leave me! ...You hear me? Don't you dare leave me!_

"Don't leave me!" Xena shouts out loud, her fists pounding the silent chest of this young woman in her arms. All pale and ghostly, this woman who changed everything in Xena's life... in so little time...

Everyone looks at her like grief makes her mad. And perhaps it does.  
Xena knows about all these things. She has been here before.

Only this time... Xena is not going to give up.

_Not this time._


	10. ten

**Slipping**

In one shocking and brief moment, not caught up in protection and good deeds, Xena finds her resolve slipping. And with the mask falling down, all her wanting is revealed.

A stain across her cheek, a hot red barely shielded in her tan skin. The shift of her eyes, following the curve of Gabrielle's side, hip to arm.

Xena digs fingernails into her own thigh and wills away an impulse, a dangerous longing that always lurked somewhere deep inside.

Every switchback of Gabrielle's body is magnetic.  
Each turn, an invitation. Every dip downward, a temptation.

And Xena wonders what it would be like to travel the length and breadth of all that is Gabrielle...

Blue eyes shut for just a second, hoping to disengage this sudden desire.  
But it does not go away.

_It never goes away._


	11. eleven

**Something Special**

Gabrielle notices it, slipping out through blue eyes and in the upturned corners of full lips. On anyone else, it would be embarrassingly plain. On Xena, though, flirtation looks deadly. _And desirable... Gods, what do I do now?_

Xena feels it, rolling like a wave off her impish grin and laughing eyes. On anyone else, it would be completely childish. On Gabrielle, though, flirtation looks good. _And alluring... Damn, I am in for it now._

"I was this close."

And Xena isn't sure this is just about a girl trying to prove herself with a staff. And Gabrielle isn't sure she is talking about strategy anymore, attacks and feints.

"You were this close, 'coz I let you get this close."

_Something special is happening,_ Gabrielle can taste it on the tip of her tongue as Xena speaks.  
They lock gazes.  
And Xena realizes that 'getting this close' isn't about battle at all.


	12. twelve

**The World You Know**

Strip the layers away.  
And what you are left with... is just a woman, not a fighter or a rebel or a savior.

Gabrielle feels the crawling under her skin, the movement of another soul and another life. It begs and pleads. It wants her feet to stop stalking. It wants her hands to be still.  
But she cannot listen to another time. This world... is a nightmare. Gabrielle wants to wake up again.

Wake up.  
See blue eyes before her, not in pain, but lively.  
A smile as decadent as any jewel. Arms warm and secure.  
And Rome, that third lover, can fade away... into obscurity... as they kiss.

Voices ring out and the world settles back with a moan, with nails into tender flesh, with rain and sorrow.  
And she intends to wreck it all.  
Because this world... is a nightmare.

_Without you, this world is nothing._


	13. thirteen

**Thoughts of You**

Just a normal day and a normal night.

_Save some people, do the good deed... bicker, make-up... it's what we do... wonder if she thinks about it at night like me?_

Gabrielle lets her mind wander, from where she used to be and where she is going. She traces the path with her inner hands, following the map of her existence.  
Farm girl to traveler, bard to sometimes warrior...

_She may not get it, but I love this life. I love being here, right now, under the stars and next to a warm fire... next to her, strong and silent... I love her. Wonder if she knows this?_

And the day plays out in her mind again, rapid at points and then slowing down again. Moments of frustration and of understanding, of disbelief and of humor.  
Gabrielle no longer thinks it is fantasy that she is changing... and it is for the better.

Even if Xena let her get that staff hit in on purpose. Even if Gabrielle never knows what it is like to best the warrior princess in friendly battle...

_I know what it is like to love her like this._

And on impulse, Gabrielle kisses the woman quickly. Xena protests in her movements.  
But Gabrielle knows better.

_I got the last hit, Xena. Your mine._


	14. fourteen

**Wicked Lies We Tell**

There is a brief moment, underneath the cruel cut of her red lips and the chipped ice that is her blue eyes, when Gabrielle thinks there is something more there than a monster.  
That, maybe, this woman is just a wound trying to heal... and the only way to do so is to burn the world. Cut the ties to living and wreck everyone - war as a means of relief.

But when the hammer comes down and Xena the Conqueror walks away, all Gabrielle can think is that feelings lie.

A hesitant second holds off time, where defiant features and soft skin are caught by the sun, and Xena wonders idly if this girl should be spared the pain to come.  
Perhaps, just this once, mercy can be delivered and the fight in those green eyes can go on living. Braveness could be rewarded and not killed. Being a savior in one instance...

But with a flick of her wrist and Gabrielle's screams, all Xena can think is that feelings lie.


	15. fifteen

**Desire**

Suddenly, it is happening.  
Quick and to the point, as if neither of them have enough time. Which, really, they do not.  
Gods are chasing and plotting and planning to kill.

Xena is so all-consuming, so all over the place.  
Gabrielle did not expect more than that. In fact, it is all she can do to not rip that leather back and grip Xena closer and take what... _Is mine, all mine, forever mine, no one else's, mine, mine, mine..._

Possessiveness is so unattractive, yet the both of them display it often. The looks they dart when the attention of an admirer gets too... strong. Blue eyes turn electric and green eyes glare with jealousy.  
Gabrielle wonders why they waited so long, why it has taken so long for this to happen...

Xena's tongue is a weapon. It parries and it thrusts. It can kill someone with it's deadly seduction.  
And Gabrielle wants more of it, more of Xena, more of all of this woman.  
She drags her hands down and pushes upward again, underneath Xena's battle skirt, digging nails into hidden flesh and Gabrielle's whole body reverberates with that animal growl into her waiting mouth.

_Mine. All mine. No one else's._

Xena is insistent. Long and deft fingers are everywhere at once. Untying, unlacing, pulling, tugging, probing, pushing... Gabrielle feels a rush of heat overtake her body, racing along her skin.  
They move in time, some kind of buck and grind, some kind of moan and cry, some kind of wild thing busting out and finally let loose.

Frantic. They are frantic with each other. As if they don't have enough time. Which they don't.  
Gods are hunting them. The world is closing in.

"You are mine. All mine." Xena pants into the sweat-slick blonde hair by her lips.  
And Gabrielle couldn't agree more.


	16. sixteen

**Sixty**

Xena knows that, in a world full of hard decisions, this one is the hardest.

When the time came and the nighttime peace was shattered, Xena knew she had to go. Leave Greece and run back to another time, try to rectify a mistake, one final push to make things right somehow.

Xena knew what had to be done as each arrow pierced her flesh. Xena knew what she had to do with every step in a red robe, all ghost and no flesh to be found. Xena knew that her life had become forfeit the moment Akemi spoke at her side.

This one, though, this one is the hardest.  
_I got my time with her, I got almost a lifetime, I got those thirty seconds..._  
This one... this one might make Xena regret all the steps taken so far.  
_I can't ask for more, I can't take her with me, I can't get more time..._

One look into those endless eyes, glistening with unshed tears, and Xena wants to shut out the world... at least for another thirty seconds. Xena wants to gaze at Gabrielle and soak the woman in, feel her in every muscle and fuse her to every bone. And Xena wants to take those trembling hands, kiss each finger and pull Gabrielle close again. Xena wants to kiss those lips, taste the salt and the sweet once more.

One look into Gabrielle's eyes and Xena makes the hardest decision of all.


	17. seventeen

**Wood and Stone**

Fragments of a story, caught in my brain... And past the haze of fire, past the maze of my mind... Oh yes, I see you, haunting me.  
I catch you in flashes of light. I glimpse you, docile face in flames.  
Going to you like I have no other purpose, reaching out to you like nothing else matters... Do you sense me near in your deep slumber? Does your dormant heart begin to beat wildly... like mine?  
And you don't smell of smoke, your skin is not cold like stone, your body is not brittle like the wooden cage covering you... Oh yes, you are here, just for me.  
If my eyes could swallow you whole, they would. Devour you and keep you close to my heart. Let the feeling of you, deep inside, sing in my blood.

I want you, that much is true. I must have you, so I cut away the barrier of time. I need you, do you hear me?  
I've been searching for you in every set of eyes, in every smile, in every arm that has come close to mine. I've spoken your name without uttering a word. I've longed for you with every step that has brought me back to you.  
I am yours.

The softest brush of your lips against mine and the world opens up like a flower.


	18. eighteen

**The Gift**

_How many times have I been the one walking away, never knowing if I am to return and if there will be anything... anyone... to return to?_

Xena knows how the story goes. She relives it even as she tells it. And if her mind was not already swarming with regrets, Xena might have heard the tone to Gabrielle's voice.  
Understanding masking confusion, resignation covering up jealousy, love and hate...

But some chains dig too deep, cutting the tender and hidden skin.  
Some things never change, they just keep getting harder to misplace.  
And Xena knows how this story goes.  
She sees the ending even as she lives it.  
And if her mind could hear her own bleeding heart, Xena might have given Gabrielle more.

More than just a kiss upon soft golden hair and an unexplainable excuse.  
More than a whisper of longing and never a backward glance.

_I am always the one breaking someone and finding myself broken as well. Will I never alter the cycle? Is there no other way?_

And Xena knows how this all goes down.  
She realizes mistakes even as she makes them.  
And if the gift of foresight had been truly acknowledged, Xena might have taken Gabrielle with her.

But Xena is on this ship and heading toward Chin... toward a past not healed and a future written long ago...

Alone.


	19. nineteen

**Heaven Knows, You Turn Me On**

What does Heaven know about such things?

Heaven doesn't understand desire or wanting or needing. _Heaven doesn't understand the sweat at the small of your back. Heaven doesn't grasp the anxious butterflies in your gut._  
Angels don't know a thing about lust.  
_They've never looked into your eyes and felt what I am feeling now._

Xena feels it underneath all this black leather and fire, in the dim haze of candlelight. She feels it rocking under her skin, running up and down her spine. She feels it, pulsing at the center of her body.  
And only one thing can satisfy Xena now.

_If I reach out for you, I know you will come. Come to me. Slide against me... touch me..._

Xena wants it, aches for the deft fingers to graze her cheek. She needs it, leans toward Gabrielle's body like the thirsty to water. And one sip is never enough, Xena must have more of her.

_Taste you, tease you, take you... I will have you..._

Xena can see it, the moment Gabrielle comes undone and surrenders. She watches the warmth in those deep green eyes blaze into ecstasy, watches them lock and pull like a rope straight to Xena's body.

What could Heaven possibly know about such things?

And when their bodies finally make sweet contact, Xena doesn't have to wonder what Heaven knows.  
It is wonderfully apparent.


	20. twenty

**The Sea**

_I see the shyness in your body._

And Gabrielle loves her even more, watching emotions play over her face and get caught in her bluer-than-blue eyes, love trapped helplessly in Xena's gaze and with no escape.  
Every curve and every edge lined with still hesitant devotion, twitching at the corners of her lips, sliding through her raven hair.

Gabrielle is swept away by it all.

_I see the joy in your body._

And Xena loves her even more, watching emotions wash over her features and spill out from her emerald eyes, love unending in Gabrielle gaze and with no restraint.  
Every slope and every dip lined with barely contained rapture, gracing the smile at her lips, blowing through her blonde hair.

Xena is swept away by it all.


	21. twenty one

**Warrior**

_This is what you made me This is who I am This is why I breathe This is where I live This is how much I love you..._

She threw it all away. And she wanted to.  
Gabrielle feels the last vestige of an old life slip off her rain-soaked skin, landing somewhere in the pit of her stomach. Maybe it will survive there, hidden among all the other dreams and loves and things like that.  
But now, Gabrielle wants only to win.

Knowing victory will be oh so bittersweet.  
Knowing what prize she so desperately seeks.  
Knowing how the dawn brings about a deadly threat.

But now...

_You flinch You pause You strike You fall_

...Gabrielle wants only to be the warrior.


End file.
